The Turning Fanfic comments

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kingschosen
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Re: The Turning Fanfic comments

Post by kingschosen »

Yeah, I guess you make a valid point about the Translocators. I'll change it to make it just one.

As for trusting the Arilou, I want the League's ambition to be evident. This isn't the Alliance that we once knew. They are willing to take the chance on most anything to seek out new territory. This is the underlying part of their corruption.

I guess it is a matter of opinions as far as the personalities go. But I am pulling from history. When new peoples are introduced into a different society there is a melding of sorts and while there are stereotypes, most individuals are a product of their current environment; meaning they act and talk the way the people around them do.
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kingschosen
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Re: The Turning Fanfic comments

Post by kingschosen »

I'm sad that my puns went unnoticed :(
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Lukipela
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Re: The Turning Fanfic comments

Post by Lukipela »

My only comment would be that the tough character you're describing probably wouldn't be shocked, but rather surprised or impressed that the alien knew about his weaponry. Otherwise pretty neat.
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kingschosen
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Re: The Turning Fanfic comments

Post by kingschosen »

Lukipela wrote:My only comment would be that the tough character you're describing probably wouldn't be shocked, but rather surprised or impressed that the alien knew about his weaponry. Otherwise pretty neat.
Yeah good point.

Also, is the story jumping around too much?
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kingschosen
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Re: The Turning Fanfic comments

Post by kingschosen »

Also, please say you caught my pun. It wasn't very subtle.
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Dyandod
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Re: The Turning Fanfic comments

Post by Dyandod »

kingschosen wrote:Also, is the story jumping around too much?
Maybe a little. But I think it flows smoothly enough. I do think, though, that it should be easier to tell when the story is flipping between Ian and the Keeper. I had to stop and start over to be sure of what I was reading. I thought the writing was good, though.
kingschosen wrote:Also, please say you caught my pun. It wasn't very subtle.
I didn't notice it at first, but I was reading kind of fast. It's funny, but I think it could have a better delivery than it currently does.
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Lobsterman
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Re: The Turning Fanfic comments

Post by Lobsterman »

kingschosen wrote: Also, is the story jumping around too much?
Hmm, maybe just a bit? I think those sort of "double stories" can be confusing in the beginning no matter how you implement them though, but here in particular the switch happened perhaps at a slightly weird spot? I wasn't really in "end of chapter one"-mode when the settings got switched.

Also, that Keeper guy, I don't know. This is pure personal opinion though, and what I think is a little negative here might be what other people find awesome. Anyway, maybe he's a bit too much of a rambo character? I felt it kinda didn't fit in that well when it went from your otherwise believable and realistic fanfic to this marvel superhero kinda guy who insta-owns a powerful alien ambassador and all of his six guards with over the top moves like punching their heads off and stuff. I get that he's supposed to be this film-noir esque badass who will kick ass and chew bubblegum all day if he so pleases, but maybe tone it down just a tiny bit?

Again I guess this might be where all the charm lies for some people, but to me it was just kind of a downer. It just made the character a little less believable to me.

Other than that, the fanfic is pretty cool and I'd love to read more of it!
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kingschosen
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Re: The Turning Fanfic comments

Post by kingschosen »

Lobsterman wrote:
kingschosen wrote: Also, is the story jumping around too much?
Hmm, maybe just a bit? I think those sort of "double stories" can be confusing in the beginning no matter how you implement them though, but here in particular the switch happened perhaps at a slightly weird spot? I wasn't really in "end of chapter one"-mode when the settings got switched.

Also, that Keeper guy, I don't know. This is pure personal opinion though, and what I think is a little negative here might be what other people find awesome. Anyway, maybe he's a bit too much of a rambo character? I felt it kinda didn't fit in that well when it went from your otherwise believable and realistic fanfic to this marvel superhero kinda guy who insta-owns a powerful alien ambassador and all of his six guards with over the top moves like punching their heads off and stuff. I get that he's supposed to be this film-noir esque badass who will kick ass and chew bubblegum all day if he so pleases, but maybe tone it down just a tiny bit?

Again I guess this might be where all the charm lies for some people, but to me it was just kind of a downer. It just made the character a little less believable to me.

Other than that, the fanfic is pretty cool and I'd love to read more of it!
First, I want to thank you for reading! My fanfic gets a bit overlooked when compared to the other great writers of this board. So, I really appreciate your feedback.

Unfortunately, the writing style is mildly reflective of my schedule. I can only write in short bursts due to the nature of my work. I'm thinking of condensing the scenes into one post that way it is easier to differentiate a scene change.

As for Keeper... well, I'm glad he is portrayed to you EXACTLY how I wanted him portrayed. His over-the-topness will be explained. I'm a bit obsessive when it comes to detail, and I can assure you that every action and every word has a point to my story. In my writings, I prefer to "show" before I "tell" and this is the case with Keeper. In fact, some more of his story will be explained in the next entry.

Again, thank you for reading.
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Lukipela
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Re: The Turning Fanfic comments

Post by Lukipela »

I think condensing the chapters at some point isn't a bad idea. I also agree with Lobsterman about the Keeper. In fact, the whole scene seems off with the Keetron coming off as bumbling fools. But apparently there is a plan, so we'll wait and see.
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Lobsterman
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Re: The Turning Fanfic comments

Post by Lobsterman »

kingschosen wrote: First, I want to thank you for reading! My fanfic gets a bit overlooked when compared to the other great writers of this board. So, I really appreciate your feedback.
Oh no problem! Thanks for taking the time to make it :)
I think it's really cool that people even bother to write fanfics about something as narrow and relatively unknown as SC2; and seeing as I am as huge a Star Control nerd as everybody else on this board I like what I'm reading!
kingschosen wrote: As for Keeper... well, I'm glad he is portrayed to you EXACTLY how I wanted him portrayed. His over-the-topness will be explained. I'm a bit obsessive when it comes to detail, and I can assure you that every action and every word has a point to my story. In my writings, I prefer to "show" before I "tell" and this is the case with Keeper. In fact, some more of his story will be explained in the next entry.
Allright! You seem to be very detail oriented and determined indeed, and I tend to view that as a good thing. I'll take your word on it and trust that it will all make sense to me eventually!
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