The Turning Fanfic comments

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Death 999
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Re: The Turning Fanfic comments

Post by Death 999 »

Okay, I finally buckled down an read the first four chapters (up to where it goes 'condensed' over and over)

In short:
It's too early to say where this is going, but it has room to be good.

I had some notes, mostly from the history chapter (which is a touch on the long side):

- "It did not take long for the Druuge to seek business elsewhere, and they vanished from the Home Quadrant much to the joy of the Melnorme who now had a monopoly."
Humans are also noted for their interest in trade. Doubtless others as well. The moment the slave shields go down, there's competition.

- "The Humans showed great interest in helping the Slylandro, and eventually, with much help from the Humans, the Slylandro developed civilly and socially."
I don't see that they really needed our 'help' -- at least, not socially or civilly. Exosuits, sure.

- The team list is weirdly formatted. How large is this ship? Seems on the small side, based on complement.

- As for Keeper taking on the aliens, sure it's a bit over the top but not unreasonably so. First of all, we don't know how firmly attached these aliens' heads are. Just because something's crystalline doesn't mean it's hard. And of course, there are the Devereaux or whatever they are to explain whatever it is he can do that's a bit OP.

Btw, the D-aliens' name reminded me of Stan Freberg's tuned sheep sketch, which is why I substituted the name when I couldn't remember their proper name. This substitution should not be taken as a slight, just as a note that though I was reading fairly carefully it didn't stick on the first two times. I'm sure as I keep reading that it'll firm up.
Last edited by Death 999 on Tue Jan 11, 2011 2:23 am, edited 1 time in total.
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kingschosen
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Re: The Turning Fanfic comments

Post by kingschosen »

Lukipela wrote:Is "implicit trust" really used in the right way there?

I'm liking the character gallery that is starting to develop, though it's early days ye of course. They give off a certain rag-tag do as they please feel. I do think you've made the League into some pretty harsh psychopaths though. Maybe a bit too harsh?
Look how implicit is defined in definition two.
http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/implicit

As for the characters, I'm glad you're starting to see the general picture that I'm trying to portray. It can sometimes be difficult to give characters the personalities you want them to have.

And as for the League, I believe that Draxas hit the nail on the head. It's not that the League are complete jerks, it's just they have a different point of view as to how to ensure safety among the League.
Death 999 wrote:Okay, I finally buckled down an read the first four chapters (up to where it goes 'condensed' over and over)

In short:
It's too early to say where this is going, but it has room to be good.

I had some notes, mostly from the history chapter (which is a touch on the long side):

- "It did not take long for the Druuge to seek business elsewhere, and they vanished from the Home Quadrant much to the joy of the Melnorme who now had a monopoly."
Humans are also noted for their interest in trade. Doubtless others as well. The moment the slave shields go down, there's competition.

- "The Humans showed great interest in helping the Slylandro, and eventually, with much help from the Humans, the Slylandro developed civilly and socially."
I don't see that they really needed our 'help' -- at least, not socially or civilly. Exosuits, sure.

- The team list is weirdly formatted. How large is this ship? Seems on the small side, based on complement.

- As for Keeper taking on the aliens, sure it's a bit over the top but unreasonably so. First of all, we don't know how firmly attached these aliens' heads are. Just because something's crystalline doesn't mean it's hard. And of course, there are the Devereaux or whatever they are to explain whatever it is he can do that's a bit OP.

Btw, the D-aliens' name reminded me of Stan Freberg's tuned sheep sketch, which is why I substituted the name when I couldn't remember their proper name. This substitution should not be taken as a slight, just as a note that though I was reading fairly carefully it didn't stick on the first two times. I'm sure as I keep reading that it'll firm up.
That is true about humans interested in trade; however, they only have the means to trade within their galaxy. The Melnorme can trade good outside of the galaxy. In short, humans can trade domestically, but if anyone in the League wants imports, they have to turn to the Melnorme.

The Slylandro developed by themselves socially and civially - cut off from everyone. Now that they are thrusted into a joint community they have no idea how to act among other aliens. This is why the humans took them under their wing and began to teach them. This is also why the Slylandro adopted many of the human customs and rituals.

The ship is relatively small, but it is capable a great feats. It has some of the most talented crew in the entire galaxy manning it. Think of it about the size of the Millenium Falcon. Funny you should mention this, though. The ship will soon get "upgraded".

I'm confused as to what you mean about Keeper. Are you saying that you understand why he's so over the top, or are you saying that he needs to be toned down?

Oh, and don't worry about the name thing. If you're not French or a Louisiana native, I don't expect people to pronounce it right.
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Death 999
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Re: The Turning Fanfic comments

Post by Death 999 »

oops. Missed a 'not'. Fixed, and that should answer the last question.
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Lukipela
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Re: The Turning Fanfic comments

Post by Lukipela »

kingschosen wrote: Look how implicit is defined in definition two.
http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/implicit

As for the characters, I'm glad you're starting to see the general picture that I'm trying to portray. It can sometimes be difficult to give characters the personalities you want them to have.

And as for the League, I believe that Draxas hit the nail on the head. It's not that the League are complete jerks, it's just they have a different point of view as to how to ensure safety among the League.
Cool, I had never heard the word used in that way. I shall have to remember that. Also, thinking about it the League being bastards is good for another reason as well. In the race threads and otherwise, it earlier seemed quite unclear why the slightly paranoid League would care much about the plight of those in the Kessari quadrant, or trust the Arilou enough to put all these resources towards going there. But an opportunity to divide and conquer works well.
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Re: The Turning Fanfic comments

Post by kingschosen »

Lukipela wrote:
kingschosen wrote: Look how implicit is defined in definition two.
http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/implicit

As for the characters, I'm glad you're starting to see the general picture that I'm trying to portray. It can sometimes be difficult to give characters the personalities you want them to have.

And as for the League, I believe that Draxas hit the nail on the head. It's not that the League are complete jerks, it's just they have a different point of view as to how to ensure safety among the League.
Cool, I had never heard the word used in that way. I shall have to remember that. Also, thinking about it the League being bastards is good for another reason as well. In the race threads and otherwise, it earlier seemed quite unclear why the slightly paranoid League would care much about the plight of those in the Kessari quadrant, or trust the Arilou enough to put all these resources towards going there. But an opportunity to divide and conquer works well.
I'm pleased that it's having that effect on you, Luki. As people read, I want them to say to themselves, "Ohhhh so that's why."

I've always enjoyed stories with twist and questions. It made me pay closer attention to it to get the answers. Also, with the next installment, I'm pretty sure you're going to have a new set of questions.
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Lukipela
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Re: The Turning Fanfic comments

Post by Lukipela »

One thing that strikes me though. it's been stated both in the story and here in the comments section that Ian and his crew are the only ones that can do this. That's why he can be downright rude to the bureaucrats and dictate some rules himself. At some point you'll have to go into just what makes this crew so special. presumably there are more than one grizzled war veteran crew around that has performed similar missions for the league. So what makes this one so different?
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kingschosen
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Re: The Turning Fanfic comments

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Lukipela wrote:One thing that strikes me though. it's been stated both in the story and here in the comments section that Ian and his crew are the only ones that can do this. That's why he can be downright rude to the bureaucrats and dictate some rules himself. At some point you'll have to go into just what makes this crew so special. presumably there are more than one grizzled war veteran crew around that has performed similar missions for the league. So what makes this one so different?
That's definitely a question I will have to answer. Thank you for pointing that out.

I would also like to ask for your opinion on my prose and my dialogue. Dialogue has always been a problem for me, and I'm experimenting with a new, direct and concise type of prose. I used to write in complicated sentences, that, I felt, muddled the reading experience. How is it currently?

Also, what is your opinion on the dynamic between Dhreep and Kronc?
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Death 999
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Re: The Turning Fanfic comments

Post by Death 999 »

The second chapter with Keeper is... odd. It explains quite a bit, and opens a number of questions, but it also answers some satisfactorily. In particular, Keeper's cockiness is now natural. He can afford to be relaxed.
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Re: The Turning Fanfic comments

Post by kingschosen »

Death 999 wrote:The second chapter with Keeper is... odd. It explains quite a bit, and opens a number of questions, but it also answers some satisfactorily. In particular, Keeper's cockiness is now natural. He can afford to be relaxed.
The more you read about Keeper the more questions you're going to have... :)

Oh, and I added 400 words to the last entry. I didn't want to make it it's own post.
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Death 999
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Re: The Turning Fanfic comments

Post by Death 999 »

"I need to know, right now, right here and now, if you are with ME… not the League… but with me. Would all of you trust my decisions no matter what?"

This doesn't seem right. It's just demanding transferrence of their obedience from one authority to another. Maybe it's in character as he's from this highly authoritarian system...

If I were writing it (which I'm obviously not), I'd have it that he has to decide to trust them, and he says he does, and lays out the facts, and his plan, and says he trusts they agree, on their own judgement instead of supplanting his. Perhaps some are on the edge and he uses his influence to pull them on board, sure.
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