The Turning Fanfic comments

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kingschosen
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Re: The Turning Fanfic comments

Post by kingschosen »

Death 999 wrote:"I need to know, right now, right here and now, if you are with ME… not the League… but with me. Would all of you trust my decisions no matter what?"

This doesn't seem right. It's just demanding transferrence of their obedience from one authority to another. Maybe it's in character as he's from this highly authoritarian system...

If I were writing it (which I'm obviously not), I'd have it that he has to decide to trust them, and he says he does, and lays out the facts, and his plan, and says he trusts they agree, on their own judgement instead of supplanting his. Perhaps some are on the edge and he uses his influence to pull them on board, sure.
Interesting point of view. I'll chew it over, and I'll see if anything comes of it.

I wanted it to come across as, "You've always trusted me. I need reassurance that you're going to continue to trust me even though some of the things I do may seem crazy."

Considering the relationship he has with his crew, I didn't want it to come across as authortative.
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Death 999
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Re: The Turning Fanfic comments

Post by Death 999 »

They seem very disorganized upon arrival, as if they'd never served together, or even served anywhere. This goes beyond friendly antics, I'm talking not knowing who does what, and I'm talking about talking over important announcements.

Secondly, space is big. A 'greeting' to them unexpectedly dropping in would take a while to arrive. Seriously. In UQM, try taking the portal into the middle of Ur-Quan space and sit there, taking note of the exact arrival date. It could easily be half an hour before you get any sensor blips, and you'll typically be sitting there for around a day before they meet you.
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kingschosen
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Re: The Turning Fanfic comments

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Death 999 wrote:They seem very disorganized upon arrival, as if they'd never served together, or even served anywhere. This goes beyond friendly antics, I'm talking not knowing who does what, and I'm talking about talking over important announcements.

Secondly, space is big. A 'greeting' to them unexpectedly dropping in would take a while to arrive. Seriously. In UQM, try taking the portal into the middle of Ur-Quan space and sit there, taking note of the exact arrival date. It could easily be half an hour before you get any sensor blips, and you'll typically be sitting there for around a day before they meet you.
I'll have to agree with you on the disorganized part. It didn't come across the way I wanted it to be portrayed. As for Dhreep and Kronc, their antics are so BECAUSE they've served so long. They are used acting up during the most inopportune times, and because of their skills, they are able to.

I'll change the wait time to add more delay upon arrival.
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Lukipela
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Re: The Turning Fanfic comments

Post by Lukipela »

I dunno. I mean I get what you want to do but at arrival everyone but the Chmmr misses the arrival of the enemy because they are busy bickering. that doesn't ooze professionalism to me. Banter is one thing, but if these guys are so good that they cannot be replaced by any other team in the galaxy, I'd expect them to not get distracted that easily.
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kingschosen
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Re: The Turning Fanfic comments

Post by kingschosen »

Lukipela wrote:I dunno. I mean I get what you want to do but at arrival everyone but the Chmmr misses the arrival of the enemy because they are busy bickering. that doesn't ooze professionalism to me. Banter is one thing, but if these guys are so good that they cannot be replaced by any other team in the galaxy, I'd expect them to not get distracted that easily.
I see.

Then yeah, it didn't come across the way I wanted it to. I'll have to do some revising.
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Death 999
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Re: The Turning Fanfic comments

Post by Death 999 »

Maybe if one of the two bickerers is the one who spots the incoming ships, and cuts the banter short in a heartbeat - that would indicate that yes, they do it, but no, it doesn't get in the way.
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kingschosen
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Re: The Turning Fanfic comments

Post by kingschosen »

I slightly changed things when they first make the jump. It seems to fit a little better. What do you think?
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Death 999
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Re: The Turning Fanfic comments

Post by Death 999 »

Okay, you upped the time scale, that's one thing. Judging from how long it takes, their arrival was not exactly in the middle of anything. Fits.

The argument ends up sort of odd. If they're waiting for days, you wouldn't have a problem with bickering on the scale of minutes. On the other hand, why does the captain expect to be greeted?

And aren't they supposed to be building something?

Also, you misspelled suddenly.
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kingschosen
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Re: The Turning Fanfic comments

Post by kingschosen »

Death 999 wrote:Okay, you upped the time scale, that's one thing. Judging from how long it takes, their arrival was not exactly in the middle of anything. Fits.

The argument ends up sort of odd. If they're waiting for days, you wouldn't have a problem with bickering on the scale of minutes. On the other hand, why does the captain expect to be greeted?

And aren't they supposed to be building something?

Also, you misspelled suddenly.
The fight was caused by the stress of the jump. They really didn't know what to expect, so the sudden outburst of Kronc while everyone was quiet pissed off Dhreep. Mack wasn't about to have them argue anymore because it's obvious he's getting sick of it.

Mack is expecting to be greeted because of the ruckus that the jump made... as well as him being over cautious.

Yeah, they were supposed to call the Construction Team, but they don't. That is explained.

Also fixed the spelling error.

What do you think of the new entry?
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Death 999
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Re: The Turning Fanfic comments

Post by Death 999 »

Didn't get that far yet. I've been busy IRL, and decided to ascend nonpathed in KoL, and need to write a chapter for Peeru... By the 3rd of February I should have the time to catch up and react properly.
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