Okay, so you're doing a bit of canon importation from SC3, but you're not doing it wholesale. Huh.
The only thing I really liked about SC3 were the races. Since none of SC3 is considered canon, I just borrowed from it and molded it around my story.
Okay, this is going to sound strange coming from me, given my last update*, but the density of star wars quotes was excessive. The first was fine. It went downhill, mainly as they became more strained and counterproductive to the quoter's purposes.
They were just there for fun, and Ian was doing it to pick at his friends. But, I suppose you're right. I'll cut out the last two.
Ian's line about their ship being stocked, at the end of a chapter, is ungrammatical.
I'll fix it.
It shouldn't be amazing that the water is pure. Once you've established that your interplanetary guests require water, it's best to play it safe. That said, absolutely pure water is not very good for drinking.
I'll cut out the "pure" part.
"Vocca, Raz, and Lojn were with Alux as well, and they found their seats and Alux ..." - not technically runon, but these ideas are spliced together. Also, the first clause is weakly phrased.
Yeah, I can see that. I'll fix that as well.
The idea that this crew are galactic heroes who brought peace raises the question of how it fell to so few, with an organization so large. Similarly, how can Ian command the loyalty of the League's armadas?
Ian commanded the side of the civil war that won.
As for the Keetron armada, well, hum de hum!
Not sure what you mean here.
'why do you asked?' is ungrammatical.
So Keeper is to lead an attack BY the Keetron, and has arranged for an attack ON the Keetron. And the Sojourner. wut? But okay, if you say so, I guess?
It will all make sense. Trust me.
Okay, style. The dialog frequently lapses informal, and I'm not just talking about Kronk and Dheep. The first time you meet Josh is another prime example, and Alux has an oddly colloquial tone at times.
Shouldn't talking be informal though?
You often get wrapped up in implementation details that aren't illuminative - the translation passing could have been handled in 2 lines instead of 5, for example. I bet I'm guilty of that as well.
You mean, saying crap that doesn't really need to be said? Yeah, I can see that about my writing.
As I've said, the opening was an exposition bomb.
Could you explain a little further?