The Turning Fanfic comments

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kingschosen
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Re: The Turning Fanfic comments

Post by kingschosen »

Death 999 wrote:Didn't get that far yet. I've been busy IRL, and decided to ascend nonpathed in KoL, and need to write a chapter for Peeru... By the 3rd of February I should have the time to catch up and react properly.
Which reminds me; I need to read Peeru.

Quid pro quo, my friend.

And, I really appreciate all of your feedback. It has been very helpful.

On a more technical note, could you critique my writing style. As I said earlier, I am experimenting with a new style, and I really need some feedback on it; mostly the prose and dialogue.
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Death 999
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Re: The Turning Fanfic comments

Post by Death 999 »

Before I get to the writing style, here are some more local comments:


Okay, so you're doing a bit of canon importation from SC3, but you're not doing it wholesale. Huh.

Okay, this is going to sound strange coming from me, given my last update*, but the density of star wars quotes was excessive. The first was fine. It went downhill, mainly as they became more strained and counterproductive to the quoter's purposes.

Ian's line about their ship being stocked, at the end of a chapter, is ungrammatical.

~~~

It shouldn't be amazing that the water is pure. Once you've established that your interplanetary guests require water, it's best to play it safe. That said, absolutely pure water is not very good for drinking.

"Vocca, Raz, and Lojn were with Alux as well, and they found their seats and Alux ..." - not technically runon, but these ideas are spliced together. Also, the first clause is weakly phrased.

The idea that this crew are galactic heroes who brought peace raises the question of how it fell to so few, with an organization so large. Similarly, how can Ian command the loyalty of the League's armadas?

As for the Keetron armada, well, hum de hum!

'why do you asked?' is ungrammatical.

~~~

So Keeper is to lead an attack BY the Keetron, and has arranged for an attack ON the Keetron. And the Sojourner. wut? But okay, if you say so, I guess?

~~~~~~~~~

Okay, style. The dialog frequently lapses informal, and I'm not just talking about Kronk and Dheep. The first time you meet Josh is another prime example, and Alux has an oddly colloquial tone at times.

You often get wrapped up in implementation details that aren't illuminative - the translation passing could have been handled in 2 lines instead of 5, for example. I bet I'm guilty of that as well.

As I've said, the opening was an exposition bomb.

Aside from those, well, the prose isn't Nabokov, but I'm not trained enough to articulate any more specific problems.



*-> ( I'm aware you haven't read it, but trust me, it would sound weird)
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kingschosen
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Re: The Turning Fanfic comments

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Okay, so you're doing a bit of canon importation from SC3, but you're not doing it wholesale. Huh.
The only thing I really liked about SC3 were the races. Since none of SC3 is considered canon, I just borrowed from it and molded it around my story.
Okay, this is going to sound strange coming from me, given my last update*, but the density of star wars quotes was excessive. The first was fine. It went downhill, mainly as they became more strained and counterproductive to the quoter's purposes.
They were just there for fun, and Ian was doing it to pick at his friends. But, I suppose you're right. I'll cut out the last two.
Ian's line about their ship being stocked, at the end of a chapter, is ungrammatical.
I'll fix it.
It shouldn't be amazing that the water is pure. Once you've established that your interplanetary guests require water, it's best to play it safe. That said, absolutely pure water is not very good for drinking.
I'll cut out the "pure" part.
"Vocca, Raz, and Lojn were with Alux as well, and they found their seats and Alux ..." - not technically runon, but these ideas are spliced together. Also, the first clause is weakly phrased.
Yeah, I can see that. I'll fix that as well.
The idea that this crew are galactic heroes who brought peace raises the question of how it fell to so few, with an organization so large. Similarly, how can Ian command the loyalty of the League's armadas?
Ian commanded the side of the civil war that won.
As for the Keetron armada, well, hum de hum!
Not sure what you mean here.
'why do you asked?' is ungrammatical.
Oops, type-o.
So Keeper is to lead an attack BY the Keetron, and has arranged for an attack ON the Keetron. And the Sojourner. wut? But okay, if you say so, I guess?
It will all make sense. Trust me.
Okay, style. The dialog frequently lapses informal, and I'm not just talking about Kronk and Dheep. The first time you meet Josh is another prime example, and Alux has an oddly colloquial tone at times.
Shouldn't talking be informal though?
You often get wrapped up in implementation details that aren't illuminative - the translation passing could have been handled in 2 lines instead of 5, for example. I bet I'm guilty of that as well.
You mean, saying crap that doesn't really need to be said? Yeah, I can see that about my writing.
As I've said, the opening was an exposition bomb.
Could you explain a little further?
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Death 999
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Re: The Turning Fanfic comments

Post by Death 999 »

People speak informally within group. Alux is as very out of group as it is possible to be. Communication to and from him will normally be formal.

If Ian was in charge of the side that won, he'd be an admiral.
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Re: The Turning Fanfic comments

Post by Zeracles »

kingschosen (in ship ideas) wrote:I've more or less abandoned it all anyway.
Including this fanfic? I'm interested in where this is headed but (as mentioned) the Sojourner's crew don't ring true to me. I wonder whether the episodes of comic relief you have in there are necessary, it makes the crew look far less professional than their reputations imply. If you're jumping around in time a lot, reaching back to describe the exploits that make them so special might help.
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kingschosen
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Re: The Turning Fanfic comments

Post by kingschosen »

Zeracles wrote:
kingschosen (in ship ideas) wrote:I've more or less abandoned it all anyway.
Including this fanfic? I'm interested in where this is headed but (as mentioned) the Sojourner's crew don't ring true to me. I wonder whether the episodes of comic relief you have in there are necessary, it makes the crew look far less professional than their reputations imply. If you're jumping around in time a lot, reaching back to describe the exploits that make them so special might help.
Yes, especially the fanfic. It was the only thing that really had sustenance to it, and with the waning interest in it, I just can't do anymore. Sorry about that.
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Re: The Turning Fanfic comments

Post by Lukipela »

There'd be less waning interest if you posted more parts I wager :P-smf
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kingschosen
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Re: The Turning Fanfic comments

Post by kingschosen »

Lukipela wrote:There'd be less waning interest if you posted more parts I wager :P-smf
Eh, maybe. There was a lot of lost interest the further the story developed, so that was a good sign to "let it be".

Looking back on it objectively, I can tell why interests waned. It's not very good and boring... and this is coming from the person who wrote it...
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Death 999
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Re: The Turning Fanfic comments

Post by Death 999 »

With all its faults, it wasn't boring. There was tension. The execution was a touch sloppy, but it wasn't at all clear that the ideas in play wouldn't come through.

If you're determined not to finish the story, will you at least spoil what it would have been?
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kingschosen
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Re: The Turning Fanfic comments

Post by kingschosen »

Edit:

Removed because I may come back to it.
Last edited by kingschosen on Tue Jul 05, 2011 7:31 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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