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 Post subject: Still kicking. Kind of.
PostPosted: Tue Feb 04, 2014 5:46 am 
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Hunam adventurer
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Joined: Wed Mar 24, 2010 6:21 am
Posts: 42
Location: Deep inside your mother
After receiving an email from an old PNF buddy and realizing that represents one of the strongest social ties that exists for me right now (yes, really) I decided to pop in to let some people know I'm still alive and what I've been up to the past few years. I dunno what the last news anyone heard from me was. Odds are I won't be back for a few more.

After my divorce I lived with a punk band and attempted to float my liver in a sea of alcohol for a few years. Of course I lost my driving job. For better or worse I got to the point where I could polish off about a liter and a half of gin a day without even feeling buzzed at any point, though I stopped daily drinking at the end of 2012. My drinking steadily declined in 2013 when I moved out of the punk house and around November I gave up on alcohol as recreation, so now it's down to a mixer or two per month. Word of advice to all you would-be recovering alcoholics... taper off. Detox is a bitch, especially on those sweltering summer nights.

I began writing in 2010 and have a finished story that's currently in the editing process. Should be published in a month or two, whenever I get time in between skiing. For those wondering, it's fiction... but also philosophical allegory meant to examine the nature of purpose and belonging. No, I'm not going to plug it.

I've had a ton of financial luck. Went to Vegas and slaughtered the slot machines. Also, my Bitcoin investment matured - I bought $800 worth back when they were $28/each with the intent of buying drugs. That purpose never materialized and they just sat in my wallet all these years. I sold at $1017/each not long ago. Ostensibly good news, I take little solace in the fact that I am unable to generate the enthusiasm or interest to spend the money on anything other than maintaining my minimalistic livelihood. Seriously, I live on like $300/month these days and haven't been employed for years. It's simultaneously liberating and boring to have no structure in life.

I am aware that I show the symptoms of clinical depression, but rather than feeling bad I simply feel I've achieved enlightenment. It's a kind of stable ennui which puts me further and further every day from relating to other human beings or society in general. I'm to the point now where I feel an omnipresent and indistinct emptiness in my life, but am aware that the way I perceive and relate to reality and time means it is unlikely that I will ever discover anything which will fill it. I lack any kind of sleep schedule and more or less drift in and out of consciousness as the relative level of mental stimulation varies. I go to the gym for about 6 hours per day just as something to DO and am probably in the best physical shape of my life.

I live now beyond the ideas of want and envy. Beyond happiness or sorrow. In a life where hope and disappointment are mere concepts to be chuckled at rather than worthy of emotional investment. I have wanted for so long to achieve a state of self-sufficient, answer-to-nobody existence and now that I've done it I simply don't know - and don't care - where to go from here.

EDIT: Holy crap, the cat came back. Page 4.

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The most important thing to realize in life is that anyone can justify anything.


Last edited by sedodes on Thu Sep 29, 2016 5:54 am, edited 1 time in total.

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 Post subject: Re: Still kicking. Kind of.
PostPosted: Tue Feb 04, 2014 7:28 am 
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Site Admin
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Joined: Fri Dec 04, 2009 3:41 am
Posts: 255
Location: The Tardis
Welcome back, even if it's only for a brief moment. Congrats on the bitcoin win thought, still don't get that myself even after having researched it, just out of my grasp I guess.

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 Post subject: Re: Still kicking. Kind of.
PostPosted: Tue Feb 04, 2014 6:22 pm 
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Atum-ta the Sixth
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Joined: Wed Mar 17, 2010 4:09 am
Posts: 1280
Location: Pennsylvania, USA
sedodes wrote:
I began writing in 2010 and have a finished story that's currently in the editing process. Should be published in a month or two, whenever I get time in between skiing. For those wondering, it's fiction... but also philosophical allegory meant to examine the nature of purpose and belonging. No, I'm not going to plug it.


But then, how can I read it? I am always interested to see what kind of creative endeavors others are up to around here.

Anyway, nice to see you back here, even if only for one post if that ends up being the case.


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 Post subject: Re: Still kicking. Kind of.
PostPosted: Mon Feb 10, 2014 2:10 pm 
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Duke Franz Ferdinand
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Joined: Wed Mar 17, 2010 4:29 pm
Posts: 498
Thanks for dropping by, at least. Wish you'd stick around longer.


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 Post subject: Re: Still kicking. Kind of.
PostPosted: Sun Feb 16, 2014 4:45 am 
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Yehat Revolutionist
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Joined: Wed Mar 17, 2010 2:28 am
Posts: 756
Location: Citadel Station
Glad to see you're still around Sedodes. Your various anti-social conundrums on the old board have become something of legend to me, and I have nothing but fond memories of reading them. However, your brooding, angst filled post has drained my spirit old chap. Might I recommend you adopt Buddhism and let a fatass quasi-deity put a smile back on your face. Maybe bickering with Zeracles again will bring you back to pristine mental health. Please. We really need some drama back in this old board; something to spice things up. And you're just the man for the job.

By the way, Lukipela's no longer a moderator and seems to be rather inactive lately. Don't ask why.

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 Post subject: Re: Still kicking. Kind of.
PostPosted: Sun Feb 16, 2014 8:18 pm 
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ZFP Peacekeeper
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Joined: Fri Dec 04, 2009 4:03 pm
Posts: 2881
Location: Dead World
Nuclear wrote:
By the way, Lukipela's no longer a moderator and seems to be rather inactive lately. Don't ask why.


Because I have a 7-month year old daughter at home that keeps me pretty busy when I'm not working. Though I stopped being a moderator before that. The reason I'm not a moderator any more is that I felt that I was the guy trying to get things done but had exactly zero ways of making anything happen. And while the people who could make things happen were content with how things were, I wasn't. So I quit. Not a huge thing in any way really.


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 Post subject: Re: Still kicking. Kind of.
PostPosted: Tue Feb 18, 2014 7:43 am 
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Arilou wiseguy
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Joined: Tue Dec 07, 2010 6:03 am
Posts: 199
Lukipela wrote:
Because I have a 7-month year old daughter at home that keeps me pretty busy when I'm not working. Though I stopped being a moderator before that. The reason I'm not a moderator any more is that I felt that I was the guy trying to get things done but had exactly zero ways of making anything happen. And while the people who could make things happen were content with how things were, I wasn't. So I quit. Not a huge thing in any way really.

What do you mean by "get things done"? What were you trying to do? For a while it seemed like you had creative control over the front page of PoNaF, to an extent.


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 Post subject: Re: Still kicking. Kind of.
PostPosted: Mon Feb 24, 2014 6:19 am 
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ZFP Peacekeeper
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Joined: Fri Dec 04, 2009 4:03 pm
Posts: 2881
Location: Dead World
In short (for me at least), there is a very clear limit to my abilities when it comes to stuff like this. I did stuff that I thought was fun and that I could do on my own, but not everything the site needs can be done like that. Pretty much every web page on site is written by me for better or worse, I rounded up people for some Christmas events and interviews and so on, but for many things I either didn't have access, skills or both. There's a whole image browser thingamajig lying around that was supposed to replace the old image pages that was never finalised, there's plenty of functionality and a dark skin on the forums still missing, as well as quite a few other bits that were planned, but never implemented as soon as we had the most critical part (a somewhat functioning forum) on line. Where I could I fixed some things or added them back in a poor fashion, such as the old sites and the "resources" and whatnot.

This kinda got combined with me doing the public stuff, so I'd get emails and PMs from people asking if this and that could be done (or more often why this and that wasn't ready yet) and it'd be really frustrating to know that they were tiny small things but people would still have to wait for ages. It was especially frustrating when I'd gotten someone to contribute with icons for the forum or alien images for the site or whatever and then I couldn't do anything but wait for someone else because the live forum was no longer something I could play around with and at some point the site got hacked and everyone lost access for several months.

What you have right now is a perfect example of this IMO. Plenty of bots get past and something needs to be done. The users are discussing and contemplating, but no one can actually do anything. If I was still a moderator I'd be frustrated banning bots and deleting topics every day, because otherwise a lot of them just stay around. But I'd be even more frustrated since there is nothing being done about it at all and I'd want to do something other than just a quick fix.

So I demodded myself because I didn't see myself doing anything useful any more.


Last edited by Lukipela on Thu Feb 27, 2014 7:31 am, edited 1 time in total.

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 Post subject: Re: Still kicking. Kind of.
PostPosted: Tue Feb 25, 2014 9:01 am 
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Site Admin
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Joined: Fri Dec 04, 2009 3:41 am
Posts: 255
Location: The Tardis
Luki, I know the lack of things getting done in many ways I had a big part in, my hands were somewhat tied but there's plenty of things I could have gotten done but let's face it I'm lazy and life has a way of pulling a person away from the things they'd like to be important. Which is why I never got very far with my SC movie project, that and a while back I had to start all the models from scratch. But anyway I'm hoping to gain a little more access to things here but hard to say if the powers that be will make that happen.

for what it's worth I'm sorry, I know you tried very hard to get content on the page and we/I dropped the ball on our end.

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Site Admin and General Techie person. Also I'm batman.


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 Post subject: Re: Still kicking. Kind of.
PostPosted: Thu Feb 27, 2014 2:03 am 
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Malfunctioning M:bot
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Joined: Fri Apr 02, 2010 10:17 am
Posts: 849
Lukipela wrote:
In short (for me at least), there is a very clear limit to my abilities when it comes to stuff like this. I stuff that I thought was fun and that I could do on my own, but not everything the site needs can be done like that. Pretty much every web page on site is written by me for better or worse, I rounded up people for some Christmas events and interviews and so on, but for many things I either didn't have access, skills or both. There's a whole image browser thingamajig lying around that was supposed to replace the old image pages that was never finalised, there's plenty of functionality and a dark skin on the forums still missing, as well as quite a few other bits that were planned, but never implemented as soon as we had the most critical part (a somewhat functioning forum) on line. Where I could I fixed some things or added them back in a poor fashion, such as the old sites and the "resources" and whatnot.

This kinda got combined with me doing the public stuff, so I'd get emails and PMs from people asking if this and that could be done (or more often why this and that wasn't ready yet) and it'd be really frustrating to know that they were tiny small things but people would still have to wait for ages. It was especially frustrating when I'd gotten someone to contribute with icons for the forum or alien images for the site or whatever and then I couldn't do anything but wait for someone else because the live forum was no longer something I could play around with and at some point the site got hacked and everyone lost access for several months.

What you have right now is a perfect example of this IMO. Plenty of bots get past and something needs to be done. The users are discussing and contemplating, but no one can actually do anything. If I was still a moderator I'd be frustrated banning bots and deleting topics every day, because otherwise a lot of them just stay around. But I'd be even more frustrated since there is nothing being done about it at all and I'd want to do something other than just a quick fix.

So I demodded myself because I didn't see myself doing anything useful any more.

What you did do at the time was very impressive and showed obvious commitment. Don't put yourself down for the things you couldn't. You were a great mod.


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