sedodes active?! What gives?!

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Eth
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Re: sedodes active?! What gives?!

Post by Eth » Sun Apr 04, 2010 8:58 am

sedodes wrote:Oh Eth, this is why I was always so fond of you ever since our first "encounter"... Your posts were always that perfect subtle irony. I could never tell if you were being intentionally or unintentionally self-deprecating, or if you were just failing a witty retort. Truly, your posts are an art of the written word and just seeing your comments is amusing enough to justify any thread.
I can't tell if I've been insulted or not. Oh well, as long as I've provided some amusement, I guess my work here is done.

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Rider
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Re: sedodes active?! What gives?!

Post by Rider » Sun Apr 04, 2010 11:52 am

so why DID you get married?
And more specifically, why did you get married to the woman you did? Sounds to me like you're in a bad place with someone with whom it's difficult to negotiate terms for a better situation.

Ever considered couple-counselling? Or are you the type that considers that kind of problem solving for *insert derogatory term here*?
Hehe, that's what I said!

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sedodes
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Re: sedodes active?! What gives?!

Post by sedodes » Sun Apr 04, 2010 2:08 pm

People change as they get older - the person you end up married to is far different from the one you got married to. Some people grow closer, others grow apart. The main difference is that I'm willing (see: wanting) to step back and re-evaluate whether or not the changes which have occurred are what's causing strife in the marriage, whereas my wife simply wants to try her hand at being a WASP and do whatever she can to keep up outside appearances of living the happily-ever-after life. We talked about counseling a while ago - guess who wanted to play everything's fine and let's not tell anyone we have a problem...
The most important thing to realize in life is that anyone can justify anything.

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Dabir
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Re: sedodes active?! What gives?!

Post by Dabir » Sun Apr 04, 2010 4:45 pm

Is WASP an acronym or just capitalised for emphasis?

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Lukipela
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Re: sedodes active?! What gives?!

Post by Lukipela » Sun Apr 04, 2010 5:03 pm

Dabir wrote:Is WASP an acronym or just capitalised for emphasis?
He means a White Anglo-Saxon Protestant, although things would be much more amusing if he meant Wind Atlas Analysis and Application Program

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Angelfish
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Re: sedodes active?! What gives?!

Post by Angelfish » Sun Apr 04, 2010 6:54 pm

Heh, well just remind yourself that not everyone on these boards is from the same country, so we may not understand everything you say without proper explanation ;).
As for counselling, you haven't been married for too long, right? This sounds more like a dead-on-arrival case than something that makes a repair worthwile, but hey that's just my opinion :D.

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sedodes
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Re: sedodes active?! What gives?!

Post by sedodes » Sun Apr 04, 2010 11:44 pm

I'm not saying I don't love my wife. I do very much and would rather nothing more than for whatever's wrong between us to go away. We're both perfectly happy people when we're apart from one another, so it's not like we're individually incapable of being happy. My belief is that we just both have expectations of one-another which can't be met, and since we both see these expectations as fundamental needs we have to accept that we're not meeting the needs of one another and that our needs are not being fulfilled. This is doubly stressful for both of us. There are two ways to fix this:

1) change our needs, and by doing so our expectations of each other.
2) change to meet the other person's needs, and by doing so expectations of ourselves.

We've tried both of these as a partnership and on an individual basis, but when you're dealing with patterns of thought and behavior established over decades it's hard to just become a different person to please someone with whom you've been repeatedly disappointed. Repeated failures leads to a pattern of depression and frustration for both people involved which taints future attempts. Once you toss in the fact that we've both invested the entirety of our emotions, energy, and finances into the relationship over the last 5 years of our lives the whole situation becomes a lose-lose. ESPECIALLY since every now and then we're GREAT together and have the best days of our lives, though it happens at increasingly infrequent intervals.

It's complex like that.
The most important thing to realize in life is that anyone can justify anything.

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kingschosen
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Re: sedodes active?! What gives?!

Post by kingschosen » Mon Apr 05, 2010 12:48 am

People don't change.

You and your wife were the same people as you are now when you were dating. The only difference is that when you were dating you/she masked yourself or ignored things that you/she did that upset the other.

You cannot change someone. The only person that you can change is yourself. You have to willing to change, though, and you have to make a concerted effort to change. That's why I said people don't "just change".

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Rider
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Re: sedodes active?! What gives?!

Post by Rider » Mon Apr 05, 2010 8:28 am

Sounds like a make or break situation to me, but then I guess that's easy since I'm on the other side of the interwebs.

So do you guys talk about it at all? Or is it one of those unspoken issues?
Hehe, that's what I said!

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sedodes
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Re: sedodes active?! What gives?!

Post by sedodes » Mon Apr 05, 2010 9:54 pm

kingschosen wrote:People don't change, bla bla bla
I'm not surprised you said this, actually. It's easy enough to ask anyone on the street if they are the same person they were 5 years ago and get a resounding, "No" from all but the most neanderthalic unaware jackasses. Everyone strives to improve themselves, the world, or SOMETHING in their life, and even the simple act of that persual - successful or unsuccessful as it may be - affects your personality. If people never changed we'd all still be naked and shitting on ourselves, and humanity as a whole would be beating each other to death with sticks and stones every day in order to get the best food.
Rider wrote:So do you guys talk about it at all? Or is it one of those unspoken issues?
I try to bring it up now and then, but it always ends up as an argument so it comes up less and less frequently.
The most important thing to realize in life is that anyone can justify anything.

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